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Parting Scotts
by Michael Scott
As most of you know, I've given my two weeks' notice. Leaving my position of Regional Manager, after a storied career, I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I've compiled a list of stuff that I will accomplish now that I no longer have to carry the Scranton branch, nay, the entire Dunder Mifflin corporation on my shoulders:
- Complete my bucket list.
- Rent Bucket List.
- Finally win a stuffed animal from the claw game at Chucky Cheese.
- Meet someone and fall in love with them, and have many many children.
- Visit every Six Flags, ride all the rides, never puke.
- Create and promote my YouTube video "Whoopie (cushion) Goldberg."
- Write my new screenplay "Very Scary Movie" - spoiler alert, it's a spoof of "Scary Movie" - only it's actually very scary. Also it's hilarious.
- Europe.
- Pimp my PT Cruiser.
.. i may need to add that Six Flags one to my own list.
in the past two weeks, we've had an insane project to put together for our german svp to present in berlin to our german parent company. that being said, i've spent a lot of time trying to translate german data into something that would make sense to me.
here is an email that our project leader just sent out to said svp, who is still in berlin post-meeting:
How did it go?? We are all on pins and needles! (That's an American expression for - we are anxiously waiting some news!)
Thanks,
Jilli never thought we'd be translating american too...
author of one of my most favorite books - ben schott - has an interesting column in the nytimes that i just stumbled upon. if you like vocab, with a smattering of news, then this is for you. if you enjoy that, then you'll definitely enjoy schott's original miscellany, which is a great little book. originally recommended to me by my (non)uncle d, it's good to have around if you've ever wondered about golf stroke nomenclature, how to tie a bow tie, the usps unofficial motto, or which countries are in the Arab League of States (OR how to tie a sari!)
ok, let me start off with - i don't like charlotte. i never liked her from the moment she crash-landed on the island. she always seemed like a snooty, stuck up rude-erson, and i just didn't care for her. she always had this look of "i've got a secret and there is no WAY i'd ever share it with you. ha ha, hee hee, ho ho." i didn't even care when she died. (ok, i was sad for daniel, but only because i like him.) but now, the lost blogosphere has erupted in anger over charlotte's real age (i know... major issue!!!). right after charlotte landed, and the losties took her hostage, ben rattles off her stats, including that she was born in 1979 (which would make her... not yet alive in 1977). YET! We/Daniel see a red-haired little girl bouncing around the dharma camp in 1977! What the hell, producers?! thanks to ew.com and darlton, we have our answer. i'm not sure if i'm actually relieved that this has an answer, or whether to roll my eyes all the way back in my head as to how far this age discrepancy went...
i don't even care that this isn't an intelligent recap. it's hil-ar-ious. i'd highly recommend you read it, even if you are only 1/10th as nuts as me about lost.
a: btw i think people are mistaking me for a gynecologist in this life.
me: haha why? is it because i asked you to give me medical advice last night?
a: well yes that, and then my friend asked me like INSANE gynecology advice. im like...i do not have a degree in this field, people!
please feel free to create your own adventure with this story...
after a weekend jam-packed with food - pizza and cupcakes and chicken oh my! - (thanks to l's simply awesome familia...), here are some more food-related items.
during our heated discussion about kashurt at dinner:
l: lobsters are just giant sea cockroaches.
also - this is a site that you really should keep tabs on, despite its supreme treif-ity.
i started my day with this story.
for anyone who knows me, you'll know that i'm really interested in cults and crime stories. i especially love the manson family (helter skelter is one of my favorite books. if any of this is of interest to you, definitely read it.) i sent this article to both a and z this morning.
a: aww you love him!
me: i know... i'm nuts.
z: he looks sad. poor guy.
me: who cares?? he's out of his mind!z: he looks like a nice grandpa. except for the swastika.
you knew she had to be back sooner or later. and if a girl can be mean to my tim gunn, there's no telling who else she'll bitch out at. apparently kenley collins (project runway season 5 insaneo-headband-wearing-daughter-of-a-tugboat-captain designer) was arrested last night in brooklyn for bringing out the crazy on her ex-fiance. apparently she attacked him with multiple weapons including a... cat? thanks tmz, for your always stellar reporting.
just wanted to let everyone know that E has won the most-amazing-friend-of-the-month award! not only is he just an excel wizard, he was patient and nice enough to help me with my crazy, custom excel graph questions. like, really really patient and helpful. thanks man. you rock.
yea my shul! just got an email with this picture of the fire truck that we donated. i especially love the super-bored looking israeli firefighter...
several things to discuss (or, l'daskes, if you will.)
1. pardon my lateness in bringing this article to your attention! i thought that there wouldn't be a doc jensen article last week because there was no lost last week (sad face!), but i was clearly mistaken. lots of good theories, so i'd read up. and - get psyched up for this week! i feel so deprived, don't you?
2. after my horrible-professor, too-long course this weekend (never take a weekend-long Intro to OD course), i was back with awesome-crazy-suit-prof last night. a few good ones:
"it's easier for me to pay him to do nothing than to deal with him. i mean, it's like a five-act Verdi opera with him."
"i recently had this interview, and i just kept talking and talking and talking, waiting for the guy to interrupt me, like i'm dancing as fast as i can."
3. has anyone seen waltz with bashir? we saw it this weekend and, without any spoilers, i was left very upset and disappointed. i'd appreciate your opinions or comments, if you've seen it.
4. i had a major phone malfunction over the weekend. it's sort of difficult to do anything with your blackberry storm when the touchscreen doesn't work at all. after trying to access my technology genius and fix it myself, i realized it was way broken, and i needed help. last night, i spoke with three different verizon representatives on the phone, and they were all courteous, patient, helpful and friendly. (my dad also called the customer service number - because of course no one knew what our account password was - and had the same guy who helped him call me directly! seemed to really be above and beyond, and i appreciated it a lot.) yet, when i went to the verizon store on 34th street yesterday afternoon, i was treated unbelievably rudely, as if it was shocking that i'd ask anyone to do their job and help me. i really don't understand how these people could possibly have such vastly different attitudes.
moral of the story: verizon has good service, but crappy, crappy in-person customer service. if you need anything, stay home and call them. i'm getting a new phone out of it, so i'm pretty satisfied.
if you don't already get the scranton newsletter - sign up! the ultimate in mid-week hilarity by your favorite office friends. this week, a gem from our own michael scott:
