party dogs.

I wanted to respond to an office happy hour with a picture. I searched in MS Outlook for clip art of "party". This is what I found: 

Look at this sad, sad dog. Who would put their dog in a party hat and bow tie cramped with all of these balloons? 


Every dog should be as happy as this happy party dog: 

Aww! That dog is smiling! He is so happy to have a birthday hat and some form of dog biscuit cake. Good work, owners of this dog! 

James Cameron is a 15-year-old girl.

If you did not see the hilarious, amazing, fantastic and hilarious article in Jezebel.com today, I am reposting it here in its entirety (because it is just that good). This is partially at the request of the lovely Ms. E, but also so we can all find this amazingness on a sad, rainy day in the future and have a good laugh. You're welcome. 


Also, apparently Ms. E read this article with my voice in her head. I guess I do sarcasm well? If you would like a recording of my sarcastic reading of this article, I would be happy to supply that.


Finally - to the author of this article on Jezebel - you are my hero. Please continue to spread similar hilariousness around the internets and in our hearts. 


I don't remember a lot of specifics about watching Titanic in theaters in 1997, but I was 15 years old, which means my two biggest concerns were 1) locating romance, and 2) not dying in a nautical catastrophe. So I think we can safely assume that I fucking loved that movie. I watched Titanic again on TV with my sister a few years later, making sure to switch it off right before that whole stressful iceberg thingy—a strategy that turns the movie into a pleasant romp about two teenagers who take a perfectly safe boat ride and then bang in a jalopy. The end. Charming! Watching Titanicfor a third time this weekend—in advance of Wednesday's big 3D reopening—I cannot imagine what I was thinking that second time around. I could not wait to get to the second half and watch all these motherfuckers drown.

Here's the thing about Titanic, and the reason 15-year-old girls love it so much: James Cameron is a 15-year-old girl. All of the characters are either 15-year-old girls in disguise ("Parents just don't understand!" "Waaah, make the boat go faster!" "I know we literally met 20 minutes ago, but I love you with a suicidal fervor!"), or the kind of goofy caricatures that 15-year-old girls would write if we let 15-year-old girls write our blockbuster screenplays. It's She's All That on a Boat, only with Kate Winslet as Freddie Prinze Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio as that girl who isn't famous anymore, and also everyone freezes to death in the north Atlantic at the end.

Titanic is three hours and 14 minutes long, which—fun fact—is longer than the actual journey of the Titanic. It is sooooo ballsy to just assume people will watch your movie for three hours and 14 minutes! Especially when everyone already knows exactly what happens in the end (spoiler: the boat is Keyser Söze). Sorry, Epcot Center, I'mma let you finish, but James Cameron's balls are like the giantest balls of all time. It would take three hours and 14 minutes just to walk around the circumference of James Cameron's balls.

Anyway, here's what happens in Titanic. In case you forgot, it is terrible:

It starts out on a modern-times submarine. Bill Paxton is snooping around on the ocean floor trying to find a big necklace to impress Britney Spears. His character is clearly James Cameron's idea of what a cool person is like—he does stuff like wear male earrings and say "sayonara" in a sarcastic voice. Awww, yeeeeah. Pretty cool. Bill Paxton finds this old safe in the ocean, expecting it to be full of Titanic jewelz, but instead it's just an old doodle of some boobs. Total rip-off! ...OR IS IT?

An old lady recognizes her boob-doodle on the news and goes to visit Bill Paxton on his rock and roll treasure boat, where they make her watch a graphic CGI reenactment of the Titanic sinking (I believe the working title is Hey Granny, Fuck Your PTSD). Then she tells her story. Which is hella not pertinent to treasure-hunting, unless by "treasure" you mean "three hours of nonsense, garbage, terror, death, and delightful Italian stereotypes."

Turns out, that old lady used to be Kate Winslet, and one time she rode a big boat named Titanic. But she wasn't too happy about it! "It was the ship of dreams to everyone else," she says. "To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains." Yes. Because imprisonment, rape, and unpaid forced labor are just like having to marry Billy Zane and live in a fur-lined bon-bon palace for-literally-ever. (Also, it's 1912 right now, which means that real slavery has only been over for like…40 years? Maybe a little too soon for the flippant slavery metaphors?) She continues: "I saw my whole life as if I'd already lived it, an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts, and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared, or even noticed." Nobody notices me! Everyone is so fake! My polo pony is the wrong color! As you can see, Kate Winslet's life is just like slavery. She decides to just kill herself immediately so she doesn't have to face another terrible, terrible cotillion.

Luckily, along comes Leonardo "I Am Definitely Wearing Lipstick" DiCaprio, who is traveling to America with his friends Fabrizio (Human Olive Garden Commercial) and Tommy (five leprechauns standing on each other's shoulders wearing a long coat). Leonardo DiCaprio rescues her from suicide and she repays him by letting her entire family treat him like human feces for the last few days of his life. Then they fall in love.

Leonardo shows up at fancy dinner even though he is a stinky poor and Kate Winslet's mom hates him: "My mother looked at him like an insect—a dangerous insect that must be squished quickly." After dinner, Leonardo says, "Time for me to go row with the other slaves!" Again with the slave thing. YOU GUYS ARE HELLA NOT SLAVES. PLEASE READ A BOOK.

In an act of defiance, Kate Winslet sneaks downstairs to party with the simple folk. And look who's down there dancing a jig! "Aaaaaaaay! It's-a me, Fabrizio!" Fabrizio treats everybody to all-you-can-eat breadsticks and then invents the mafia. Can someone tell me why this movie wasn't entirely about Fabrizio? At the very least could I get a fan edit called Titanic 2: Fabrizio's Quest? (It is a quest for lasagna.) Get on it, somebody.

Okay. Next there's a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't involve Fabrizio at ALL, so w-evs. It's the Celine Dion part ("I'm flying!"), the boob-sketching part, and the aforementioned jalopy-banging part. All of it is incredibly awkward and boring. Then Theoden, King of Rohan, drives the boat into this big iceberg ("Are you calling me fat, James Cameron?" – the iceberg) and the ocean starts coming inside the boat ("Heyyyy, ocean!" – poor people).

Bill Paxton interrupts the old lady's interminable story and is like, "BOAT SCIENCE. EXPOSITION. BOAT SCIENCE" for a while. Nobody cares. Onward!

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio run around the boat in circles for a long time holding hands. I think we're supposed to admire Kate Winslet for having terrific moxie or something, but really all she does is yell about how no one can tell her what to do and then just does whatever Leonardo DiCaprio tells her to do. (Sometimes he tells her things like this: "You're so stupid! Why did you do that? You're so stupid, Rose!!!" and "SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH.") Feminism!

Fabrizio shows up (FINALLY) to tell them that they're fucked because all the lifeboats are gone: "The boats-a! They're all-a gone!" "Where's your life jacket, Fabrizio?" Leonardo asks. "Ees-a okay!" says Fabrizio, "I've-a got this-a beeg ravioli! Abbondanza!" Then he drowns (oops).

Fortunately for Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio turns out to be the world's #1 expert in surviving ocean liner disasters—offering genius advice like, "We have to stay on the ship as long as possible! Come on!" Eventually, though, they end up in the ocean, where Kate Winslet sits on a board and cries. Leonardo makes one attempt to get on the board with her, but falls off, so he decides to just die instead. Kate Winslet is sad. Then she gets rescued by Mister Fantastic from the Fantastic Four movie.

Finally, even though she knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he hella patiently listened to her stupid story (it's like she writes erotic fan fiction about herself), that old lady just goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First of all, you're a dick. Second of all, that necklace belongs in a museum. Third of all, you're a dick! I wish Bill Paxton would drop YOU into the ocean at the end. Then, to wrap things up, there's a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio walk down the Titanic's grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason. You know who are the only people that think the world owes them a round of applause? Fifteen-year-old girls and billionaire directors who own submarines. I rest my case.

I feel like James Cameron has never met an actual person before. Titanic is basically a 3.5-hour-long Zales commercial, only slightly less emotionally compelling. Fabrizio and Victor Garber aside (I forgot to talk about the unbearable melancholy of Victor Garber, but SOB!), I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to watch this movie—much less watch it in 3D. Hey, do you want to watch a 3.5-hour extravaganza of terror and death with a plastic cage strapped to your face? Hey, did you like the original Titanic, but wish you could also have a headache? Hey, are you a 15-year-old girl? Oh, you are? Okay. Go nuts. If you'll excuse me, I have to go die of old age now.

We're famous.

Oh hey. Remember when my family was the face of AIPAC?

Either we were the most attractive people at the conference (yes), or this picture most embodied "friends and family". The fact that a possible-rabbi/stranger is also in the picture only enhances the "friends" aspect. This picture also works well because we are all already signed up for PC 2013 (although I cannot vouch for possible-rabbi)!

Run out the clock.

Because I love you, here are some additional awesome websites to while away your hours at work.

• Animals Talking in All Caps: Just what it sounds like. And it is pretty awesome. Example: 

At the very least, there are cute pictures of animals, right? 

• Vintage Gal: Old-timey pictures. Maybe you'll get a new hairdo idea? 

• Old Films: Film student blogs about all manner of movie-related things. Also some old-timey photos. 
• Ugly Renaissance Babies: You KNOW I love this one. Hilarious commentary on mostly Jesus-related paintings. 
• I'm Remembering: Pictures/videos of amazing 80's and early 90's stuff. You will not be able to stop looking through this one. (Sidenote: I had this Sesame Street Doctor Kit and we recently watched a home video where I am using the stethoscope to listen to my mom's stomach prior to the birth of my little sister. It did not work and I wasn't happy about it.)

For even MORE ideas, check out this recently released list of the best blogs of 2011. Let me know if you find other goodies! Happy time wasting!

UPDATE: "They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind." --Michael Scott

If you haven't already read my post on jewelry organization, go read that first. The same disclaimer applies here:

• Gentlemen: this post may not be for you. Other than watches, I'm pretty sure most of you do not wear jewelry. Proceed with caution. 
• Ladies: Has your jewelry gotten out of control? Do you have no method of organization? Is your dresser/desk/nightstand cluttered with every necklace you own? Read below and be unorganized no more! 

Regarding said "better situation for watches and bangles," BEHOLD: 

For the bangles, I bought a hammered bowl from West Elm that is actually a serveware piece: 

There are several beautiful pieces in this collection (I have the "large bowl"). I also really like the footed bowl and almost bought that one instead, but I thought I might have to pile up the bracelets as opposed to having a concave bowl to place them into. If you have smaller and/or less bangles, this would be a good item to get. 


For the watches, I bought a tray from West Elm that is actually a bathroom accessory:

I thought it was so pretty! Who would relegate this to the bathroom? It's perfect for laying out watches - I can fit about nine on here. West Elm sells a huge variety of cute trays (both for bathroom and serving or entertaining) that can be used for jewelry storage/display. I LOVE these menswear print trays, but they sadly were not large enough for watch purposes. Please post below if you see anything else awesome and jewelry-worthy!


Gentlemen (and ladies who don't care about the above): I promise a non-jewelry post shortly!

happy bird-day.

First off, thanks to ALL for a truly amazing, wonderful, fantastic birthday. Thank you for the wall posts, dinners, tweets, emails, texts, drinks, cards, calls and other forms of love. I would be no where without the love and support of my friends and family. Secondly, I have to advertise some of the awesome presents I received from my people! 

1. Photojojo set of three iPhone lenses: 

2. Banana Republic metallic scarf: 

3. New Shel Silverstein book (poems published following his death):

4. Letter writing "Hi There" notepad: 

5. Magnetic nail polish:

6. Nail Art book (with six nail polishes!): 

I cannot thank everyone enough for the wonderfulness of my birthday. If the last few months are any indication, I am confident that the new year will be phenomenal. 

alinea.

In the ongoing celebration of my mom's "big" birthday, the four of us went to Alinea last week. For those of you who don't know, Alinea is only one of two restaurants to receive a 3-star rating from the Michelin Guide and was voted 6th best restaurant in the world by Restaurant Magazine this year. Currently, it is a 20-course affair (it took us approximately 4.5 hours for the entire meal), and each course is artistic, inventive, interactive and playful. 

Since each course is so unusual and intricate, I brought a notebook (and of course, a camera), to document the full meal. My notes are below, and then you can see some pictures by clicking on the link to my Picasa album (at the bottom). I tried to detail each ingredient, what we really enjoyed and the smells/sounds/tastes of each dish.Enjoy! 

* Aperitif: Champagne, Apple liquor, potable bitters

1.    Under the pumpkin table display, savory pumpkin cake on a metal guitar pick.

·         Curry

·         Coconut

·         Crème fraîche

2.    Seaweed on wood plank with four bites: 

·         Garlic leaf in a shallot

·         Snapper on a corn husk

·         Unagi on cabbage leaf (soy sauce – this one we liked best)

·         Cod on a leek

3.    Lightly Fried Yuba (aka “Witch Finger”), byproduct of tofu

·         Avocado

·         Green onions

·         Toasted sesame seeds

·         Miso emulsion

·         [Crunchy, yummy]

4.    Bowl of Fish Stuff

·         Trout

·         Bourbon maple syrup jelly balls

·         Rice with smoked gel

·         [Sweet, fishy, crunchy, earthy]

5.    Toasted Oak Leaves with Lightly Fried Cheese

·         Cheese

·         Shallots

·         Apple

·         [Aromatic, Autumnal]

6.    Family Style Course

·         Whole sea bream with mint pesto

·         Caponata with vegetables and chocolate

·         Crunchy crackers

* Brought out four red cabbage leaves on sticks. Set them on our table but we didn’t eat them yet. Looked like flags.

7.    Hands-Free Bite (on an antennae)

·         Papaya

·         Dehydrated orange

·         Raw fennel

·         Cucumber

·         [Soft, crunchy, gummy]

8.    Big Pillow with Mushrooms

·         Pillow with pine aroma

·         Plate had mushrooms, thyme foam, pine cream

·         [Earthy, foresty]

9.    Little Wax Soup Bowl (pin through bowl; pull pin to dump stuff into soup)

·         Truffle

·         Parmesan

·         Potato

·         Chive

·         [Hot and cold, time sensitive]

10.  Interactive Red Cabbage Wrap (wood with glass plate on top; take glass plate off; construct metal stand from two pieces that interlock)

·         Tomato

·         Potato

·         Bell Pepper

·         Onion

·         Mustard

·         Paprika potato

·         Hamachi with huckleberry

11.  Fork bite (handed us round bottom bowl with fork balancing; eat fork first, then sip soup)

·         Fork: eggplant and sea bass

·         Soup: sweet vidalia onion soup and pepper foam

*Sprayed black tea oil on our table

12.  Miro Painting (9 forks and spoons each laid out on the table in front of us; after each bite, deposit utensil into metal vase with lavender salt)

·         Lavender noodle

·         Beet jello

·         Olive

·         Pickled cherries

·         Fig

·         Apple

·         Fish

·         Olive oil

13.  Liquid black truffle ravioli (on spoon in bottomless bowl)

·         One bite

·         Explosion!

14.  Yuzu Snow (palate cleanser)

·         Metal cone

·         Frozen with liquid nitrogen

15.  Cubist fruit and cheese plate

·         Cheese with nuts

·         Flat crunchy paper

·         Applesauce

16.  Test tube (“It could get messy”)

·         Lemongrass gelatin

·         Cucumber

*Mom got chocolate cake ball with cream for her birthday

17.  Silicon table cloth

·         4 little bowls of stuff: lingonberry syrup, butternut squash syrup, goose island stout beer syrup, citrus marigold flowers

·         Brought out two brown bowls which were put in the middle of the table and two cups of dry ice

·         Grant Aschatz and helper come out!

·         Start decorating table with 3 syrups and flowers

·         Then then smash the brown bowls on the table – dark chocolate piñatas, with cotton candy, French toast pieces, lingonberry taffy, pumpkin pie filling… 

Alinea

dino the dragon.

After passing along this phenomenal blog post to C, she requested that my blog start to include pictures. I'm pretty awful at drawing but just thought I'd spend about 10 minutes in MS Paint to see what happened. After I actually FOUND MS Paint on my laptop (do you remember where that thing is located??), this is what I came up with:

Really really awful. Perhaps was drawn by a kindergartner who still can't hold a writing implement properly.

C then told me that dinosaurs don't breathe fire. Ooops. So, its some scary breed of dinosaur and dragon. That does compensation consulting. Deal with it.

follow up on demotivation.

if you've made your way to this post, please ensure you've read this one first. 


look what arrived in my inbox today! awesome analyst is at it again with the wondrous poster below: 

we've been killing ourselves to assemble this complex workplan in Microsoft Project (at the express request of our client). if you've ever worked with Project, you know that it is way more cumbersome and confusing than it needs to be. example - i opened the latest file today and all the dates were changed because the file had decided to auto-schedule itself! now i've spent the morning rescheduling previously correctly scheduled tasks. that seems worth my time. 


in other news, i'm pretty sure that awesome analyst is in the wrong line of work... 

ballet boogie.

this one delights me every time.

im so excited!

...and I just can't hide it! Rebloga is BACK, kids! Join me (whether it's again, or for the very first time) as I share my exciting experiences living in Chicago (including nail polish recommendations, restaurant reviews, travel experiences, technology wants and clothing desires) and working as a consultant.

I tweet a lot, so be sure to follow me @becca_lynnn to keep up with all hijinx and adventures. Don't forget to send comments (I LOVE comments), and check the little awesome/lame boxes under each post, so I can keep the awesome posts coming, and the lame posts to a minimum. Also, I've added a new sidebar that lists my favorite places on the internet. When you have gotten your fill of Rebloga, here are some other sites to help you run out the clock at work. See you on the interwebs!

still life.

thanks to A for passing this along!

magic.

this video makes me wish that i was a lot more organized. makes me wish that i could ever have bookshelves that look as beautiful as this. maybe one day. for now, i can just watch this:

huey (minus lewis and the news)

1. i love lamps

2. i don't love chameleons BUT

3. how could you not love this color copying/changing chameleon lamp?!

i am told that through the magic of two white LEDs, Huey lights the surface he is on, and then uses an optical sensor to determine the correct color. just sounds like magic to me. however it works, i'm pretty sure i need this as a nightlight.

ps: to witness the awesomeness of this color changing lamp yourself, i highly recommend that you watch the video in the link above.

'ella.

dear gizmodo: thank you for introducing me to these goggle umbrellas. not only are they adorable, they come in some of my favorite colors! who doesn't want to be ensconced in the waterproof protection of an umbrella while also being able to spy on the world around you? i sure as heck do. add this to the birthday list please! also, i can't believe gizmodo failed to point out the periscope top on the umbrella. i assume it doesn't actually work, but is still a great feature.

i need this beet right now.

so, i am new to the land of iPhones. but in general, i am pretty obsessed with keeping my stuff, especially electronic stuff, safe and happy. even the screen on my slr camera has a little protector. so, i've always been really impressed with these fantastic sushi iPhone covers:

it protects my stuff, but also looks awesome. this designer on etsy has other amazing cases like the above - my personal favorite is the one that looks like a cassette tape. but then gizmodo showed me another source of cell phone cover amazement today:

that's right. dress your little blackberry or iPhone up in a cute, jean overall situation! hopefully this post comes just in time to help someone out with their last-minute holiday shopping.

urkel grue.

do any of you guys/gals use google voice? way back when, i jumped at the chance to get a google voice number, but now that the dust has cleared i realize there is no way in heck i am telling everyone in my life about a new cell number. i actively work against that idea! even in new york, i kept my 847 number, the same cell phone number since my first pink nokia cell phone in high school. so, ugh.

through a lot of research (and emailing the nice folks at lifehacker), i figured out that i could still use the google voicemail service. after a few quick setting changes, all voicemails are now sent directly to google voice, and i get an email with the transcript and audio of the message. i dont know about you guys, but i hate listening to voicemails. i dont know why, but there is something about it that just feels arduous and arcane (almost as bad as when i have to use a fax machine). they always get lost in my phone, there is no way to file or save them or mark as unread. i'll get a voicemail about something i need to deal with later, but then just forget about it because it sits lurking in my "saved messages". with google voicemail, i can see the email notification right away, read the transcript and/or listen to the audio, and then either save it neatly within my gmail folders, keep as new or whatever. just like email.

the hilarious part is that the transcription isn't perfect. you can pretty much get the gist of a message, but i wouldn't rely on the transcription alone at this point. last night, i called myself to leave a voicemail just to test out the transcription. the voicemail i left was my shopping list. when i spoke very clearly (as you would when reading a list), it captured everything perfectly. but when i stumbled, trying to remember what other items i needed, the transcription got all crazy. the last bit goes: "was St. That'sit, titles". Not sure what google was trying to capture there...

the moral of the story is, i would definitely recommend it to anyone who would like to be able to organize their voicemails... at least, what few voicemails you still receive these days. please feel free to email me if you'd like me to walk you through the steps!

i flip my latkes in the air sometimes.

just in case you haven't been on facebook in the past two days, check out the craze that is sweeping the Jewish nation. you're welcome.


Chag Sameach, everyone!

16 years ago...

...this was me on my 10th birthday.

what's the time?

just had to show you all my new watch, 1 of 2. Two new watches in one weekend!! i think i have reached my quota for the year now....