James Cameron is a 15-year-old girl.

If you did not see the hilarious, amazing, fantastic and hilarious article in Jezebel.com today, I am reposting it here in its entirety (because it is just that good). This is partially at the request of the lovely Ms. E, but also so we can all find this amazingness on a sad, rainy day in the future and have a good laugh. You're welcome. 


Also, apparently Ms. E read this article with my voice in her head. I guess I do sarcasm well? If you would like a recording of my sarcastic reading of this article, I would be happy to supply that.


Finally - to the author of this article on Jezebel - you are my hero. Please continue to spread similar hilariousness around the internets and in our hearts. 


I don't remember a lot of specifics about watching Titanic in theaters in 1997, but I was 15 years old, which means my two biggest concerns were 1) locating romance, and 2) not dying in a nautical catastrophe. So I think we can safely assume that I fucking loved that movie. I watched Titanic again on TV with my sister a few years later, making sure to switch it off right before that whole stressful iceberg thingy—a strategy that turns the movie into a pleasant romp about two teenagers who take a perfectly safe boat ride and then bang in a jalopy. The end. Charming! Watching Titanicfor a third time this weekend—in advance of Wednesday's big 3D reopening—I cannot imagine what I was thinking that second time around. I could not wait to get to the second half and watch all these motherfuckers drown.

Here's the thing about Titanic, and the reason 15-year-old girls love it so much: James Cameron is a 15-year-old girl. All of the characters are either 15-year-old girls in disguise ("Parents just don't understand!" "Waaah, make the boat go faster!" "I know we literally met 20 minutes ago, but I love you with a suicidal fervor!"), or the kind of goofy caricatures that 15-year-old girls would write if we let 15-year-old girls write our blockbuster screenplays. It's She's All That on a Boat, only with Kate Winslet as Freddie Prinze Jr., Leonardo DiCaprio as that girl who isn't famous anymore, and also everyone freezes to death in the north Atlantic at the end.

Titanic is three hours and 14 minutes long, which—fun fact—is longer than the actual journey of the Titanic. It is sooooo ballsy to just assume people will watch your movie for three hours and 14 minutes! Especially when everyone already knows exactly what happens in the end (spoiler: the boat is Keyser Söze). Sorry, Epcot Center, I'mma let you finish, but James Cameron's balls are like the giantest balls of all time. It would take three hours and 14 minutes just to walk around the circumference of James Cameron's balls.

Anyway, here's what happens in Titanic. In case you forgot, it is terrible:

It starts out on a modern-times submarine. Bill Paxton is snooping around on the ocean floor trying to find a big necklace to impress Britney Spears. His character is clearly James Cameron's idea of what a cool person is like—he does stuff like wear male earrings and say "sayonara" in a sarcastic voice. Awww, yeeeeah. Pretty cool. Bill Paxton finds this old safe in the ocean, expecting it to be full of Titanic jewelz, but instead it's just an old doodle of some boobs. Total rip-off! ...OR IS IT?

An old lady recognizes her boob-doodle on the news and goes to visit Bill Paxton on his rock and roll treasure boat, where they make her watch a graphic CGI reenactment of the Titanic sinking (I believe the working title is Hey Granny, Fuck Your PTSD). Then she tells her story. Which is hella not pertinent to treasure-hunting, unless by "treasure" you mean "three hours of nonsense, garbage, terror, death, and delightful Italian stereotypes."

Turns out, that old lady used to be Kate Winslet, and one time she rode a big boat named Titanic. But she wasn't too happy about it! "It was the ship of dreams to everyone else," she says. "To me it was a slave ship, taking me back to America in chains." Yes. Because imprisonment, rape, and unpaid forced labor are just like having to marry Billy Zane and live in a fur-lined bon-bon palace for-literally-ever. (Also, it's 1912 right now, which means that real slavery has only been over for like…40 years? Maybe a little too soon for the flippant slavery metaphors?) She continues: "I saw my whole life as if I'd already lived it, an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts, and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared, or even noticed." Nobody notices me! Everyone is so fake! My polo pony is the wrong color! As you can see, Kate Winslet's life is just like slavery. She decides to just kill herself immediately so she doesn't have to face another terrible, terrible cotillion.

Luckily, along comes Leonardo "I Am Definitely Wearing Lipstick" DiCaprio, who is traveling to America with his friends Fabrizio (Human Olive Garden Commercial) and Tommy (five leprechauns standing on each other's shoulders wearing a long coat). Leonardo DiCaprio rescues her from suicide and she repays him by letting her entire family treat him like human feces for the last few days of his life. Then they fall in love.

Leonardo shows up at fancy dinner even though he is a stinky poor and Kate Winslet's mom hates him: "My mother looked at him like an insect—a dangerous insect that must be squished quickly." After dinner, Leonardo says, "Time for me to go row with the other slaves!" Again with the slave thing. YOU GUYS ARE HELLA NOT SLAVES. PLEASE READ A BOOK.

In an act of defiance, Kate Winslet sneaks downstairs to party with the simple folk. And look who's down there dancing a jig! "Aaaaaaaay! It's-a me, Fabrizio!" Fabrizio treats everybody to all-you-can-eat breadsticks and then invents the mafia. Can someone tell me why this movie wasn't entirely about Fabrizio? At the very least could I get a fan edit called Titanic 2: Fabrizio's Quest? (It is a quest for lasagna.) Get on it, somebody.

Okay. Next there's a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't involve Fabrizio at ALL, so w-evs. It's the Celine Dion part ("I'm flying!"), the boob-sketching part, and the aforementioned jalopy-banging part. All of it is incredibly awkward and boring. Then Theoden, King of Rohan, drives the boat into this big iceberg ("Are you calling me fat, James Cameron?" – the iceberg) and the ocean starts coming inside the boat ("Heyyyy, ocean!" – poor people).

Bill Paxton interrupts the old lady's interminable story and is like, "BOAT SCIENCE. EXPOSITION. BOAT SCIENCE" for a while. Nobody cares. Onward!

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio run around the boat in circles for a long time holding hands. I think we're supposed to admire Kate Winslet for having terrific moxie or something, but really all she does is yell about how no one can tell her what to do and then just does whatever Leonardo DiCaprio tells her to do. (Sometimes he tells her things like this: "You're so stupid! Why did you do that? You're so stupid, Rose!!!" and "SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH.") Feminism!

Fabrizio shows up (FINALLY) to tell them that they're fucked because all the lifeboats are gone: "The boats-a! They're all-a gone!" "Where's your life jacket, Fabrizio?" Leonardo asks. "Ees-a okay!" says Fabrizio, "I've-a got this-a beeg ravioli! Abbondanza!" Then he drowns (oops).

Fortunately for Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio turns out to be the world's #1 expert in surviving ocean liner disasters—offering genius advice like, "We have to stay on the ship as long as possible! Come on!" Eventually, though, they end up in the ocean, where Kate Winslet sits on a board and cries. Leonardo makes one attempt to get on the board with her, but falls off, so he decides to just die instead. Kate Winslet is sad. Then she gets rescued by Mister Fantastic from the Fantastic Four movie.

Finally, even though she knew Bill Paxton was searching for the necklace, and he hella patiently listened to her stupid story (it's like she writes erotic fan fiction about herself), that old lady just goes and drops it into the ocean at the end!!! Like, seriously, old lady? First of all, you're a dick. Second of all, that necklace belongs in a museum. Third of all, you're a dick! I wish Bill Paxton would drop YOU into the ocean at the end. Then, to wrap things up, there's a dream sequence where the ghosts of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio walk down the Titanic's grand staircase and everyone on earth applauds for no reason. You know who are the only people that think the world owes them a round of applause? Fifteen-year-old girls and billionaire directors who own submarines. I rest my case.

I feel like James Cameron has never met an actual person before. Titanic is basically a 3.5-hour-long Zales commercial, only slightly less emotionally compelling. Fabrizio and Victor Garber aside (I forgot to talk about the unbearable melancholy of Victor Garber, but SOB!), I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to watch this movie—much less watch it in 3D. Hey, do you want to watch a 3.5-hour extravaganza of terror and death with a plastic cage strapped to your face? Hey, did you like the original Titanic, but wish you could also have a headache? Hey, are you a 15-year-old girl? Oh, you are? Okay. Go nuts. If you'll excuse me, I have to go die of old age now.

"That's it, I don't want you talking to me for the rest of the robbery!"

Recently, I was chided by some of my nearest and dearest for being too snobby and stuck up about movies. Apparently it is unheard of that I have yet to see movies such as Knocked Up, I Love You, Man, Princess Bride and Get Him To The Greek. My philosophy is that I can only see so many movies, so why not see movies that I may actually appreciate and enjoy? Then again, I recently discovered that my DVD of Nicholas Nickleby (one of my all time favorites) is totally messed up, likely because I have watched it too many times. So, I could probably stand to spend my time more wisely in the movie department. 


In an effort to be more relaxed in my movie choices and broaden my horizons, I decided to watch Tower Heist last night. It already has the makings of many things I enjoy: New York, Ben Stiller, a heist and hilarious antics. The cast is kind of fantastic: Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Alan Alda, Michael Pena, Casey Affleck, Matthew Broderick and Tea Leoni. Ben Stiller basically plays himself. Eddie Murphy is the same character/voice as always. Casey Affleck and Matthew Broderick (a laid-off wall streeter who is being evicted from his mega-millions condo) are exceptional. 


Even before you watch the trailer, you probably know how this one will end. That's ok. Watching Eddie Murphy mentor and lead four hapless men new to the robbery game is just fun (he has them prove that they can do "the big job" by getting them to steal $50 worth of merchandise each from a mall). I also loved that most scenes take place in/around Columbus Circle, and the major showdown is during the Macy's Day Parade (a tradition to watch in the Landis household). 


Hopefully the trailer below will wet your appetite for this funny, fun, heist comedy. It was a welcome break for my brain! 

magic.

this video makes me wish that i was a lot more organized. makes me wish that i could ever have bookshelves that look as beautiful as this. maybe one day. for now, i can just watch this:

let me do you a favor.

i am going to save you time AND money. how's THAT for a tuesday morning?!

(ok - if you're AT ALL planning on seeing unstoppable... maybe you should stop reading. vague spoiler alerts ahead. but the whole point of this post is don't waste your time seeing it so, i don't know. you're all adults (presumably) so - you decide.)

so, last night i went to see unstoppable. seemed to be right up my alley - action, explodey scenes and denzel washington. it was perfect. yet, it seems my movie snobbery may have slipped up a bit here. if felt like the director wanted me to understand a lot more about trains than i do (i don't know, maybe boys know about trains?) and no part of the movie made sense. rosario dawson was a)bad and b)not believable. denzel was just really no good. what happened here guys?? why did you think we would believe a movie where the best plan to stop a speeding train is to hope you can get it to flip over? and at the same time, you send in a marine to fly over the train suspended from a helicopter for seemingly no reason??

anyhow - just watch the snl sketch below from last weekend's show. it's EXACTLY the movie, and much more hilarious. and i think snl's new guy (jay pharoah) is PHENOMENAL and so spot on as denzel. enjoy the video, and enjoy having 2 hours of your life back in advance. your welcome.

can you feel the excitement?

i sure as heck can.

here is a new doc jensen article for you! so sorry if you just finished the article posted yesterday but there is a new season to discuss and get psyched up for!!

this week's article: is there any connection between lost and groundhog day? for those of you who may not know yet, season 6 of lost starts on february 2, 2010, i.e. groundhog day. and if you've seen the movie, you know what kind of time-reboot implications that might have (i.e.: "Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.")! (And if you haven't seen groundhog day, what the heck is wrong with you?!)

i don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds illegal.

did anyone see fantastic mr. fox yet? i can't decide yet if i loved it, or if it was a bit too wes anderson, cutsey, hipster for its own good. pretty sure i'll land on the side of "awesome" though. you can check out the music at the movie's website and watch the trailer below, if you haven't seen that yet. additionally, i saw willem defoe (he plays Rat, of course) last night after seeing the movie. so, that was pretty cool. imdb also tells me that adrien brody (loooove) was in the movie, but i don't recall the specific Field Mouse that he played. then again, mario batali was also in it, so who knows?

enjoy -

it really was no miracle/what happened was just this.

considering it's my all-time favorite movie of all time, it would have been pretty embarrassing if i hadn't gotten 10 out of 10 on this wizard of oz quiz. since its the 70th anniversary of the wizard of oz, take the quiz and see if you can do as well as me! if you get at least a 7, i'll let you into the lollipop guild.

rebloga recommends.

looking to escape whatever terrible weather climate change has decided to bestow upon you (perhaps it's extreme heat, wildfires or sudden chill)? here's a suggestion - go to the movies! maybe you haven't been all summer in an effort to be outdoors as much as possible? i understand. but allow me to recommend two movies that we've seen recently that were quite, quite good.

1. Moon
I can't say too much about the plot in this one. To say more than a few sentences would give it all away. But here's the premise: It's sometime in the future, when we have figured out how to harness energy from the moon. So now all the energy we use on Earth is harvested from the moon. Sam Bell is an astronaut at the tail-end of a 3-year stint as the lone energy harvester on the moon. We see him interacting with GERTY (voiced by the awesome Kevin Spacey), a computery robot that is his sole interaction (other than viewing video uplinks from his wife). Basically, things get kind of crazy for Sam as loneliness sets in, and he mentally prepares to finally go home. Hopefully that set-up interests you enough to check out the movie. And if none of that got you, does it help that the director is David Bowie's son (Duncan Jones)?

2. District 9
So, you've seen the previews, right? At first, it seems like it will be an interesting documentary about South Africa. It will have cool footage and you'll hear about humanitarian aid efforts and firsthand accounts, and what the government is/is not doing right, etc. And then you see the space ship that is hanging over the city like an ominous gray storm cloud and you think to yourself, "...this is not a documentary."

Well, if you haven't seen the preview, that's what you would have thought. (And if you haven't even seen a preview yet... I anticipate that this is not your genre of movie.) That being said, the preview does not even touch the surface of the awesomeness of this movie.

Anyhow, the movie starts out similar to the trailer - interview footage, documentary-style footage. It sets up the scene for you, which is: 20-some years ago, this huge spaceship just sputtered out over Johannesburg. A review I read said that unlike the classic alien movie that explores "what would they do to us" this movie shows "what would we do to them." And we see that what we did was put the aliens in a camp (District 9), take away their rights and basically otherwise bully them around and ruin their lives. Our story starts when they decide that the camps have gotten so overrun, they are going to relocate 1.2 million aliens to a camp outside of the city. To do so, they need to get every alien's signature on the eviction notices (I know, it sounds ridiculous, but just hang on). Our hero is Wikus Van De Merwe (yea, I'm not sure how to pronounce that either) who heads up the committee to go into District 9 to get these signatures. After he has a run-in with a particular alien (Christopher Johnson - of course we'd dole out stupid generic names to the aliens), who seems to be suspiciously less drone-ish than the others, his life is never the same, as they say... There's really something for everyone in this - biology, science, aliens, family, betrayal, heart, and explodey bits (i.e., the alien guns don't just kill you, they explode you and everything around you).

Let me know if you go see/have seen either of these, and what you thought. Any others that I should make it my business to see?

vomit-fest.

thank you to tlc for inundating me with commercials about the time traveler's wife movie, coming out this friday! even though i previously said i was "excited" for this movie to come out, that was only because it's one of my all time favorite books of all time. unfortunately, the trailer makes me want to stab my eyes out, and makes me so sad for its suckiness. here it is, but don't say i didn't warn you...




if you see it, let me know what you think (especially if you read/enjoyed the book).

that being said - i will remind you all that i will be away for the next 2-ish weeks. i will be sure to look out for goo blobs, and do bucko updates when i return!

faraday plays evil??

first off, it's really difficult to imagine my man faraday in any sinister role. on lost he plays a nerd-tastic scientist, he's in love, he's loyal to his mother. not the meanie type.

but according to ew.com, this same man (well, the actor anyhow) plays charles manson in a 2004 tv movie! manson AND jeremy davies?! this i must see. and if you click on the ew.com article, you can barely tell who is the actor and who is the real manson. scary stuff. apparently his performance is on fire, so this is a must see for me. has anyone else seen it? do tell!

i need a vacation.

the austrian accent is implied.

at least i don't look as bad as this though...

mystery box.

great talk by JJ Abrams at TED about mystery boxes.... a very cool combo of technology, movies, magic, filmmaking, lost.

they want to do what?

my brain cannot even begin to understand this. according to cnet, a "facebook movie" is in the works. does this make sense to any of you? i just can't figure out what this movie would be about. would it just be about a guy who sits around and we watch him post pictures, create invites and add new friends? why is this even a suggested movie?! of course, the powers that be already want michael cera to star. i think that makes sense, but then i remember that the movie's entire concept makes 0 sense. boo.

oooooooooooooh!

check out this and 4 additional just-out-now posters for the new HP movie!
which is your fav? i love the one with draco...

maybe my parents want to move...

...to a different house in Highland Park? if so, they should check this one out.

did you call moi a dipshit?

ok, ok. so i haven't seen T3. i can still be way psyched about T4 coming out this weekend, right?? well, i am. T2 is one of my all-time favorite movies, and i'm pretty excited that christian bale has decided to get on the terminator train. a movie series that gives me ahhnold, edward furlong and bale?? yea, i can't wait. it's just too bad i don't get a super-bad-to-the-bone linda hamilton reprise.

to get you pumped up for tomorrow's movie release (in ny anyhow), you should check out ew.com 15 best terminator moments gallery. (the first one is my favorite.)

you is talkin' loco, and i like it!

movie newsflash!!!

it seems that, while being interviewed for night at the museum II, or whatever it's called, ben stiller discussed the possibility of a second zoolander movie! (please insert freak-out here.) while i'm not usually a fan of sequels almost-ten-years later, i would welcome a zoolander sequel any day. seriously - old hansel? would david bowie make a second guest appearance? would we finally get to see how life is at the derek zoolander center for kids who can't read good? the possibilities are endless. i await your arrival, mr. mugatu!

More about this movie

excitement.

two things i must share!

a) they are making a movie of one of my all-time favorite books, the time traveler's wife. it's probably the one really romanticy, lovey-dovey thing that i like. if you have not read this book - DO IT. it's a really wonderful story. also, it's set in Chicago. what more could you want?? and while i am excited, i realize that the movie stars eric bana and rachel mcadams... could be a blerg-a-thon. i think i need to know more about how they are translating the book into a movie, or we could be getting into really creepy benjamin-button-stlye-old-man-little-girl-love scenarios.

b) here is a book that i need, and i am not sure why it has yet to be purchased for me!!!

manic monday, woah oh oh.

several things to discuss (or, l'daskes, if you will.)

1. pardon my lateness in bringing this article to your attention! i thought that there wouldn't be a doc jensen article last week because there was no lost last week (sad face!), but i was clearly mistaken. lots of good theories, so i'd read up. and - get psyched up for this week! i feel so deprived, don't you?

2. after my horrible-professor, too-long course this weekend (never take a weekend-long Intro to OD course), i was back with awesome-crazy-suit-prof last night. a few good ones:

"it's easier for me to pay him to do nothing than to deal with him. i mean, it's like a five-act Verdi opera with him."

"i recently had this interview, and i just kept talking and talking and talking, waiting for the guy to interrupt me, like i'm dancing as fast as i can."

3. has anyone seen waltz with bashir? we saw it this weekend and, without any spoilers, i was left very upset and disappointed. i'd appreciate your opinions or comments, if you've seen it.

4. i had a major phone malfunction over the weekend. it's sort of difficult to do anything with your blackberry storm when the touchscreen doesn't work at all. after trying to access my technology genius and fix it myself, i realized it was way broken, and i needed help. last night, i spoke with three different verizon representatives on the phone, and they were all courteous, patient, helpful and friendly. (my dad also called the customer service number - because of course no one knew what our account password was - and had the same guy who helped him call me directly! seemed to really be above and beyond, and i appreciated it a lot.) yet, when i went to the verizon store on 34th street yesterday afternoon, i was treated unbelievably rudely, as if it was shocking that i'd ask anyone to do their job and help me. i really don't understand how these people could possibly have such vastly different attitudes.

moral of the story: verizon has good service, but crappy, crappy in-person customer service. if you need anything, stay home and call them. i'm getting a new phone out of it, so i'm pretty satisfied.

um. what?

here's a celebrity gossip shocker. i'm mostly shocked since this totally caught me off guard, and doesn't make too much sense.

according to cnn.com, people.com, and US Magazine (to name just a few), mandy moore and ryan adams are engaged. um, i didn't even know they were dating! that's probably because neither of them are on my radar... i mean, come ON. he comes out with a new record every four seconds. he writes 10 new songs before breakfast. every day, i'm sure. that's annoying. and she was in license to wed and a walk to remember. then again, she was also in saved!, which i love. i cannot imagine them together at all, and am therefore blindsided. though apparently a mazal tov is in order.... why does ryan adams have a Hebrew Coca-Cola shirt?! [p.s. - as always, i must give a shout out to j for her vague contribution to this post. she is usually my #1 go-to lady for celeb gossip, but either she was just very busy at work, or completely shocked by this news as well. anyhow, thanks j!!]